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Thursday, February 17th, 2005
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1:48 pm - riposte
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So, people are responding to my journal entries, i feel it's only fair to respond to them, this is, after all, how discussion works. the general consensus seems to be that one should always be able to remove oneself from the current situation, and tha tmay have not been doing as good of a job at this as i could have. the saying "can't see the forest for the trees" comes to mind. this is very true, and thank you for the commentary.
i think, however, a few details are important.
#1, kristen didn't break up with kevin "for" me, she broke up with kevin, and then started to date me (much like, i think, things went w/ you/ryan/me honey....). kristen felt that things between her and kevin were not as they should be, and ended the relationship for that reason. at this point, someone will state that i'm simply a rebound or something like that. that may be true, and i'm willing to admit that anything i say can easily be disregarded as me speaking from my overly biased viewpoint, thus, all i will state in regards to me being a "rebound" is "i don't think that's the case". and we'll leave it at that.
#2, to some extent, you're right honey, and if i were you i'd probably post almost exactly what you did. however, there's a minor detail, and it may be that it's a "guy" thing or maybe others don't completely understand the situation or some such. however, in my mind, when it comes to guys, there's the whole "bro's before ho's" rule. it sounds trite and odd and what not, but if a friend is pursuing a girl, you shouldn't. now this isn't always the case, and i'm guilty of breaking this rule myself (though i did end things before they went to far, just had to get my head out of my ass), however, that doesn't change that that's the way it should be. we'll add to that the mantra of "don't date a friend's ex". so while your analogy of me "throwing her away" is somewhat apt, it by no means makes kristen "fair game". (at this point i'll make an aside and state that it bothers me referring to kristen this way, she is a person, and her feelings are indeed probably the most important, however, for the sake of this discussion, i'm leaving them alone). you see, you don't date a friends ex. in fact, if things hadn't ended as amicably as they did w/ you (honey)/ryan, i'd feel just as betrayed. however, i made a VERY concencious effort to remain both of your friends (even though i didn't want to), and as such, am still quite close with both you and ryan.
#3, this relates somewhat to previous #s. i was pursuing kristen when her/kevin got togther. there was some wierd miscommunication (i missed the memo about the TPS reports...), and as such, things didn't end up as i wish they had. kevin states he didn't know i wanted her back, he dind't know i was irked about him dating her, he dind't know this, didn't know that. well, i'm calling bullshit. anyways, this is aobut to turn into a rant, and i'm in a fairly good mood, so i'm gonna change topics.
ok, not a complete change of topics, but a short rant about something slightly different. kevin complains to people that him/i don't talk, i keep trying to start conversations, he refuses to respond. kevin, if you read this, i'm pissed, i'm sure you are too. if you want to talk, then talk, i will only keep trying for so long.
~talion
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| Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
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9:50 am - bittersweet symphony
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so, things have progessed a bit since my last posting. kristen has completely ended things with kevin, and her and i are enjoying spending time togther, "making up for lost time" etc. seems to me like everything is finally in place, except for 1 not-so-minor detail. that's kev/danny's reaction/opinion. kevin is, of course, hurt. he feels betrayed, upset, he claims he blames himself (good idea, after all, so do i). but at the same time, he seems to have "problems" with me (again, can't blame him), but refuses to acknowledge them to me.
danny, on the other hand, is at least somewhat irked at what i have "done" (as in continuing to puruse kristen even though she's dating a friend). he's made away messages, livejournal comments, etc all pointing to his opinion that it's not worth hurting a friend for this. i have 2 responses. 1) he did it first. Did you give him this same shit when he fucking ran over my heart?? did you say a damn word to him? i asked you repeatedly for years what your opinion on everything was, what you thought i should/shouldn't do. you never said anything other then "be careful".
now he's said that i have done the wrong thing. that in theory there was a way to end this without anyone being hurt. i disagree, as i told him in our convo, regardless of how things ended, someone was gonna get hurt. he said that if i left kristen alone, there'd be "less hurt all around"...but i don't think he (or anyone else for that matter) completely understands my relationship with her. i hate using words that seem trite and overused, but they're truly the only ones that describe all of this. she is my soulmate. kristen is the only person for me, always has been, always will be. in danny's journal, he gave his opinion on what love is, and it was a fairly accurate description, however, i feel that he doesn't understand this love of mine, that no one does.
in my opinion, love has 2 parts (we all know that i seperate things that shouldn't always be seperated). the first part is the rationalesque part. this is not the part that's rational (for indeed, very little if anything about love is), but the part that must make a decision. "luv is a verb" to quote dc talk. doing what's necessary to make someone else happy when it's in line w/ your desires is easy, and not love. doing what's necessary to make someone else happy when it's not "too much" of an incovience is not love. doing what's necessary to make someone else happy when it's at great cost to yourself, this is love.
however, that is still the easy to explain/understand part of love. for while it makes no logical sense whatsoever, it still is a decision made, and thus, is easy to explain to those who get it not. the 2nd part of love is the part that can't be described. it's this feeling that i would do absolutely anything on earth to make her smile. that i would do anything on earth to be with her. that i would travel through hell itself in order that i might make her life even the tiniest of bits better. the part of me where i have to catch my breath when i see her. the part of me that just smiles uncontrollably when she's around. but there is also a slightly selfish side. that's the part that would do almost anything to be with her. i spent years attempting to convince myself that she was happy with kevin, that i was just a problem for her. however, that didn't work.
danny said that in his opinion, it's not worth risking the love of a friend for the love that "might" be. i think he's missing a few vital details:
1) he said love is based on trust. how can i trust kevin? trust is based on knowing someone...well, i know kevin. he betrayed me (much like you claim i betrayed him) when he dated kristen. then, he betrayed her (and potentially danny), when he cheated w/ rei. but, i'm supposed to love/trust him...
2) love is not rational, for anyone rational would have given up long ago. but see, that's what makes love so incredably amazing, the feeling that nothing else matters. that life will be ok if you're with that person. to speak from a purely selfish standpoint, it feels amazing to be in love. so amazing, in fact, that it's worth risking it all. now, at this point, you'll point out my statement on love being a choice, however, i've been convinced that it's much more then a choice. the connection i share with kristen is one that i cannot (and never have be able to) imagine my life without.
3) kristen wasn't happy. she was not happy with kevin, everyone knew that. whenever the two of them were in the same room there was a fight, same state meant someone was in tears. the only time they got along was when their only communication was over AIM/phone. i think if i had seen her happy with someone,i'd have been able to tolerate being alone the rest of my life, knowing that she was happy, that she'd found that special someone (albeit, it'd hurt knowing that i wasn't that someone). but she wasn't happy, she hadn't found that someone.
3) is stealing something back wrong? if i stole a car from my neighbor and was driving it around town. he then saw it parked at target, unlocked, and he hopped in and drove it back home, no one would fault him. and no one should, he simply took back what was "his". let's expand this a bit. if i stole the car and was driving it down the road, and he pulled up next to me (in another car, work with me here), noticed i was in his car, and hopped out and beat the crap out of me to take his car back, would that be wrong? at this point, someone will say yes because we don't permit vigilantism in our society. but let's add to this that the police don't exist, there are no rules, we are in a "state of nature". now, no one can say this is morally wrong. while true, this analogy breaks down because kristen is not a car, she's not "some prize to be won", she is human, with thoughts and feelings all her own. so i guess the analogy would be better if the neighbor stole kit from me (you know, the car from nightrider). if the car decides it wants to go back to it's original "owner" then so be it. ok, forget it, this analogy is getting to wierd, but i hope someone got it.
i think i've said what i had to say. i don't expect any of you to understand kristen and i. i'd also like to continue to be friends with all parties involved, however, at this point, that is up to the other parties.
chaz
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| Friday, January 28th, 2005
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1:43 pm - blowin the dust off
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hmm...it's been a while since i've entered anything here. However, honey has been gettin on my case to start it up again so i can look back and learn from my past...so, that's what i'm gonna do.
life...it doesn't suck...too much. i'm finding that my "lone wolf" spirit is gone. for a while,i could spend my nights at home reading/playin games/painting etc and all was good. but since i've been hanging out w/ kristen again, it's almost like that's all i want to do. like, if i'm not going out w/ jamie/buddy to go drinking or whatever stupid shit we're gonna do, i'm thinkin about the next time i'll see kristen. hmm...video games don't keep my attention at all anymore, they seem so....worthless, like i'm wasting my time. but then again, that's what most of life seems like, i mean, what's the point?? i go to work to get money so i can go to school..which i don't WANT to do. life seems so...temporary. like, if you aren't having fun, there's no point. but at the same time, you have to do the crappy stuff to have fun, but i dunno, this is all making no sense. yay for my ramblings.
this whole sharing thing has got to end. (yes, somewhat new topic, i know). i can't keep doing this, it's driving me up a fucking wall. bekah made an interesting point... "don't you want someone who WANTS you". and it's like yes, that's exactly what i want. the problem is, i'm afraid that even if kristen did "choose" me, it won't be that simple. i have a feeling she'd still think about kevin, still wonder if she made the right choice...which is why part of me thinks i should completely back off and just let her/him be, if things end, then see what happens. instead, i've gone to some extent and meddled. i want her back, but, at the same time, i want her to want me too...and it seems that regardless of what she ends up choosing, that won't be the case. hence, moving to TN sounds like a better and better idea. heck, moving anywhere sounds like a half-decent idea. though that's running away, not solving the problem.
it's weird, i treat my relationship with kristen completely differnt then anything else in life. in the vast majority of life, i'm very...agressive, i'll try to do almost anything. in the rest of my life, i'm confident (some say arrogant, but that's what the laymen say about people who are always right *wink*). in the rest of my life...i get my way.
so, with the rambling section done, time to post my thoughts/questions. my number what question is the most relevenant, and the one with out an answer...what should i DO? i mean, i know what i want, but for once, there is absolutely nothing i can do to "get" it. nothing i can do to "swing the balance in my favor" or anything...and then part of me wanders if i even should...i dunno wtf i should do. and then, to make things more fun, almost everyone i know says i'm being stupid, that i shouldn't pursue kristen because she's going to do nothing but hurt me again. i mean, that is what's she's done repeatedly in the past, and only an idiot keeps going back for the same abuse. but i can't help it, the thought that there's a CHANCE that this time might be different is enough to make the potential pain worth it. in d&d, the dice always worked out for me, i guess this is karma's way of saying "it's all gotta even out sometime". i don't even know what the hell i'm typing anymore...kristen is going out with kevin tonight...this bothers me a lot. i'm almost at the point where i want to say that being told "no" would be better then "maybe". but this is the last time. under no circumstances will i do this again, i can't take it again. if that means moving, leaving the state, so be it. i will NOT do this again.
well, so concludes this entry, time to get back to work lucifer...uh...i mean donna...has stuff for me to do.
current mood: pessimistic
current music: cacophony of screams from the damned souls at this office
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| Monday, July 21st, 2003
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2:22 pm - friends
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so...here's my little rant about my friends. it seems like they're doing things i find stupid, i may be wrong, but that's just my opinion. and it seems to be following a pattern. first Honey moved in w/ Ryan...ok, i think that's wrong, but whatever. Then i find out danny's decided to go to College Park...and big surprise...Rei is going there too...and they're both living on campus. ok...now we all know my opinion on that whole thing, but ok, the going to college, that's not a biggie. But then the cincher is now Dodd is getting a townhouse w/ Tammy...WTF??? that's 3 of the people i know...grrr...oh well, such is life
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| Sunday, June 29th, 2003
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2:13 am - Kingfest = mixed results
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so kingfest was the weekend. booher, boo-boo, erin, jillian, justin and i all went. it was interesting...the group of 6 split in 2. erin, jillian, and justin all did there thing, and booher, boo-boo , and i did other stuff. not always, and it wasn't like it was a hostility problem, it's just... (in the words of Honey), strange vibes. i got quite anti-social for the weekend, which always helps. i just got sick of seeing couples. and i'm starting to think that disappearing is a good plan. i really don't know how to explain it...well, more like i don't want to explain it where others can read it. but yeah, another part of the problem is that i don't feel like i have any close friends any more. i just feel alienated from everyone and everything. like people are doing the whole "mask" thing...like i can't be myself. that may just be that i don't know exactly what/who "i" am. i hate saying the whole "i need to find myself" thing, but after this weekend, i wonder just what makes me me? what makes me different? i can't do anything better then anyone else. i have an impact on people's lives, but it seems to me to be rarely good, and more rarely significant. i dunno...soemthing's wrong...so do something about it to make it right. the only question is...what to do? i think i'm going to become a recluse again, kinda pull a "turtle" solution to the problem, hide my vulnerable parts in something hard and safe.
anyways, enough emotional rambling.
the weekend was pretty cool, though i don't think i'll be going next year. the rides have officially gotten kinda boring. the concert had some great bands...skillet, pillar, reliant K, newsboys...but the venue wouldn't allow us to "rush the stage". we had to stand at our seats, or back in the grass, which was a real bummer, especially during pillar and reliant k.
anyways...i shall leave ya'll with a quote from the weekend...
"Would you be happy with today if tomorrow was the end?"
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| Monday, May 19th, 2003
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12:52 am - give up
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long time no update. lots to say, not sure how to say it all. life's been more confusing then ever recently, figures, get one part figured out and then i have to run over and fix the other part. it's like trying to hold back a river with a 2x4...it just doesn't work.
so i think i'm going to get a criminal justice degree. go become a cop or somethin like that. that'd be fun...i think. as for the whole girl thing. i just give up. honey im'd me the other night to complain cause i said that i required a heart in anyone i considered a potential date. bah. it was a joke from when dodd buddy and i went out one night. but NOOO, she has to go and get offended. bah.
yet again i'm going to post that i need to get my mind off of girls and focus only on school. that God will point "the one" out to me when it's time. but grrr...i don't feel like waiting. and it doesn't help at all that church is doing a series on Song of Songs...all about an "ideal" relationship. i'm starting to wonder if it'll ever happen to me. i know i'm young, but i dunno, it seems like ever relationship i've been in was either a waste of time from the start, or i fucked it up. bah. fuck it all. you know, i really want to go kill stuff. it's kinda spooky, but i can actually understand the whole matyrdom thing w/ the crazy al-queada people. if someone had me even remotely convinced that a suicide bombing would even remotely resemble a good idea, i'd do it. and that's scary. the fact that i value my life so little that i'd do that just isn't cool. but i look as my life, and i see nothing unique. there's nothing that i can do, or do do, that just about everyone else my age can't. and plenty of things i can't do that people my age can. i think of what it'd be like to be at my funeral. you know, watch it from hiding or something. i think it'd be one of those occasions where a couple people would come, but only if it didn't interfere with the rest of their schedules. most would come to comfort my parents. no one would really see their life changed by my death. if i died...if i disappeared, nothing would change. target would still go on, sales wouldn't even pretend to dip. the d&d group would probably split into 2 groups, and meet elsewhere. the only high school group would feel bad, but only cause they would feel like they should, not cause they really feel bad or miss me. if i dind't show up, i'd be forgotten. ryan said one time that the reason i disagree with people all the time is because i feel like i have something to prove. at the time, i thought that was bogus, but i think it fits. what i have to prove is that i matter. if i can convince people i'm right, then they'll think that i matter, that i make a difference. the catch is, that's not true. if i convince people i'm right, then people see me and think of me as an arrogant ass hole. few people think of me as the kind of guy they want to be around. so yeah, if i died nothing in life would change. the world would go on, and i don't even think anyone not related to me would even bother crying. maybe i should do that. get my car back, then quit work and just leave. drive away, no destination, no ties. just disappear. be a "run away", except it'd be legal cause i'm 19. get a job somewhere, and start life from scratch, in someplace new. though that wouldn't accomplish anything, other then proving my point that my disappearence wouldn't matter. which in theory would prove me right, which means i do matter, except that's wrong. and thus we're back to the whole thing that i don't matter.
parents say i need to eat healthier food. why? i should work out. why? what's the point in doing what one can in order to live a longer healthier life if that life is worthless? In sunday school today we were asked to illustrate our relationship with God. i said that life is like a minefield, and i'm blindfolded. God leads me by the hand in the direction to go, and then i keep taking my hand out of Gods and trying things on my own, getting hurt and then waiting for him, then repeating. i feel now like i managed to get a peak of the minefield, and it doesn't end. that if God leads me, i'll lead a somewhat less painful, but still ultimately worthless, life. and if i lead myself then i'll simply hurry the inevitable end...we all die after all.
so yeah, this is my depressed cycle.
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| Monday, May 5th, 2003
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11:48 pm - Dante's Inferno
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| Sunday, May 4th, 2003
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12:45 am - i quit
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i think i've found the reason for my recent depression. i had been thinking that it was because of finances...but that got taken care of today...and so that isn't the reason. then i thought that it might have something to do w/ the d&d crew. like, when i said that we weren't gonna have game next week, almost immediately everyone else had stuff to do. it's like...no d&d, so no reason to be around Charles. and i know, or at least think, this is all just stupid self-pity...but it's just the way things seem. the only person i know who ever invites ME to something is erin...none of my other friends do at all. and while that usually because most don't do anything...it's just like, i dunno, outside of d&d, i don't see anyone. i wonder why i care so much about getting my car back? freedom? freedom to do what? no one wants to do anything anyway.
saw X2 tonight...good movie. i think the thing that's sticking w/ me the most is when Jean-Grey was talking to Wolverine. I think by now just about everyone knows that i have a thing for erin. and some of the stuff she says/does...grr...let's leave it at not fair. but anyways, Jean-Grey said that girls flirt w/ the "bad-boys" but marry the good ones. made me start thinking of how i'm viewed by people. to some, i'm the "good guy"...the one who does little wrong and so on. to others (mainly from church), i'm all but a heathen destined for hell. heh, who'd ever have thought that i'd be viewed as a "bad guy". oh well. anyway, i have a shit load of homework to do, and no desire to give a damn about it. what's the point of getting a good job w/ good pay and such if money can't help to buy happiness???
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| Sunday, April 27th, 2003
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12:24 am - life love and the pursuit of happiness...or the lack thereof
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ok...so i've come to the decision...life sucks. there is no goal in life...there is nothing worth living, or dying, for. all that life consists of is work, then school, then homework, then collapse...wake up and repeat. in theory i'll someday graduate...to work. then all i'll do is work work and work...and then eventually die. what's fun in life right now? what is worth doing? hmm...about 1/month i get to go out w/ friends...usually when Buddy is in town...that's fun. other then that, weds night is my "alcohol of choice". my fun doesn't take place in this world, i have to go to another fucking universe to find meaning? what the hell does that mean? am i that much of a loser?
yeah, speaking of being a loser... what's the definition of losing at life? i think in grade school i remember seeing some "motivational" poster that said that you only lose when you give up...well, at what point does motivation turn into stupidity? when does it become dumb to attempt to continue on...what marks that line? at this point, i'm either a fucking moron, or i'm damn dedicated...and i feel more like a moron then i do dedicated.
so yeah...i'm a loser...i'm giving up. it's almost against my will...like, i want to want to enjoy life...to seek meaning and a purpose, but it's like that's impossible. my "purpose" is found while dming...or going to the movies...or playing pool...that's what i enjoy.
so yeah...the "point" of all this is that there is no fucking point. the point to life is to live it well enough, and "for God" enough that when you die you get to go to heaven, where in theory there will be a point...where in theory everything will be perfect. and so, i shall attempt to "run the race marked out for me"...but right now, i not only can't see the finish line, i don't even know that one exists...
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| Monday, March 31st, 2003
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11:26 pm - Reliant K - Mood Rings
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I think this has got to be one of the best songs ever...and i've only read the lyrics...
we all know the girls that i am talking about
well they are time bombs and they are ticking
and the only question's when they'll blow up
and they'll blow up; we know that without a doubt
cause they're those girls, yeah you know those girls that let their emotions get the best of them
and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
cause what they're thinking...
she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so happy it's depressing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"
if it's drama you want then look no further
they're like the real world meets boy meets world meets days of our lives
and it just kills me how they get away with murder
they'll anger you then bat their eyes; those pretty eyes that watch you sympathize
and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
cause what they're thinking...
she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so stressed out that it's soothing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"
cause when it's black (it) means watch your back because you're probably
the last person in the world right now she wants to see
and when it's blue it means that you should call her up immediately
and ask her out because she'll most likely agree
and when it's green it simply means that she is really stressed
and when it's clear it means she's completely emotionless (and that's all right i must confess)
we all know the girls that i am talking about
she liked you wednesday but now it's friday and she has to wash her hair
and it just figures that we'll never figure them out
first she's jekyll and then she's hyde....at least she makes a lovely pair
mood ring oh mood ring
oh tell me will you bring
the key to unlock this mystery
of girls and their emotions
play it back in slow motion
so i may understand the complex infrastructure known as the female mind
[speaking:]
heh...that's terrible
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10:24 am - Boy Crazy
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some girls are crazy just listen to what i have to say about it you've gotta watch out for the beautiful ones they'll twist your head right off your neck and laugh about it with their friends that's just one night for them they target you with their eyes and move with their lips and it pulls you in she shuts you down with her voice again and now are you listening? this song goes out to girls that we haven't met just yet this song is for stupid girls who think that every boy is all about them these girls are crazy just listen to what i have to say about it you've gotta watch out for the younger ones they'll tightly wrap you around their fingers and brag to all their friends it's nothing but a game to them they target you with their eyes and move with their lips and it pulls you in she shuts you down with her voice again and now are you listening? this song goes out to girls that we haven't met just yet this song is for stupid girls who think that every boy is all about them you think you're on top of the world when all the eyes are on you just wait until your heart breaks and you'll know how i felt when i wrote...
Yay for NFG...
in other news, i think i've finally found a replacement game for Privateer...it's called Freelancer...now i just need $50 so i can get it...bah.
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| Friday, March 28th, 2003
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11:58 pm - hehe
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downloaded this song today...haven't heard it in a while (yay for the Oneders!!!)
The Oneders - Doin' that thing you do
You! Doin' that thing you do!
Breaking my heart into a million pieces, like you always do.
And you, don't mean to be cruel
You never even knew about the heartache
I've been goin' through
Well, I try and try to forget you, girl,
But it's just so hard to do
Every time you do that thing you do!
I know all the games you play
and I'm gonna find a way to let you know that
You'll be mine someday
Cause we, could be happy, can't you see?
If you'll only let me be the one to hold you,
And keep you here with me
'Cause I try and try to forget you, girl,
But it's just so hard to do
Every time you do that thing you do!
I don't ask a lot, girl, but I know one thing's for sure,
If your love I haven't got, girl
Then I just can't take it anymore...whoaa!
Cause we, could be happy, can't you see?
If you'll only let me be the one to hold you,
And keep you here with me
'Cause it hurts me so just to see you go
Around with someone new
And if I know you, you're doin' that thing
Every day, just doin' that thing
I can't take you doin' that thing you do!
hehe, such a fun song.
So it looks like i'm going to Kings Dominion for my fun summer trip over the summer. 3 day christian music festival, with the Theme park during the day...it's gonna be like the good ole days w/ the high school (now college) youth group. I'm actually really looking forward to it, i just need to save a bunch of money, but eh, what else is new. So yeah, that's about it...
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12:51 am - New Stuff
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So i got the new Linkin Park CD...all in all, i'm finding it's growing on me, though no where near as good as the original.
Honey and i are offically broken up. Not sure who broke up w/ who, i actually think it was "mutual"...kinda scary. For once i didn't break someone's heart when i ended things. But yeah, eh, we always had a strange relationship.
It's wierd...ending things w/ Honey made me think of Joy/Kristen...and you know, wonder if i could change things if i would. Heck, it made me think of before them...back to when i had a "crush" (at least i guess that's what i'd call it) on Charissa and then Erin...makes me wonder if i should have given up on them. Eh, oh well...such is life. As Dad said, i'll kill myself if i constantly think about what "could" have been...and he was talking about my car/college.
Yeah...college...i'm dropping Comparative Politics tomorrow (later today). I took the midterm, and had no idea what was going on. As for the car...it's still dead...need like 1200 to fix that, and like 300 or so to fix the wagon (charles was dumb...and bumpers are totally worthless...but cost a lot)...so i'm about 600 short of getting my car back...hopfully end of april i'll have it back.
I got conformation on my summer job. So i'll be living at UMBC again...and so everyone knows, we have to do lots of fun stuff this summer. I spend last summer looking for stuff to do, and never could find anything, so i just played eq...and i DON"T want to do that again. No more super-nerd charles. Erin's already mentioned getting people togther to go to King's Fest..that should be a BLAST...just need to talk to work about gettin off (UMBC, not target).
Hmm...i think that's all the real "news"...i'm gonna go to bed now...hope everyone's life is going well.
BTW - Here's the lyrics to a song that caught my attention-
It's Easier to Run - Linkin Park
its easier to run
replacing this pain with something numb
its so much easier to go
than face all this pain here all alone
something has been taken
from deep inside of me
a secret i've kept locked away
no one can ever see
wounds so deep they never show
they never go away
like moving pictures in my head
for years and years they've played
if i could change i would
take back the pain i would
retrace every wrong move that i made i would
if i could
stand up and take the blame i would
if i could take all the shame to the grave i would
sometimes i remember
the darkness of my past
bringing back these memories
i wish i didn't have
sometimes i think of letting go
and never looking back
and never moving forward so
there would never be a past
just washing it aside
all of the helplessness inside
pretending i don't feel so misplaced
is so much simpler than change
its easier to run
replacing this pain with something numb
its so much easier to go
than face all this pain here all alone
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| Sunday, February 23rd, 2003
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2:14 am - fuck it all
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"a beauty to rescue"...was one of the themes of the conference this weekend. it was talking about recapturing a man's soul...what makes a man feel alive. three things a man needs...a battle to fight, and adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue. well...find me a beauty worth resucing and maybe i'll be up for it.
so yeah...ryan and honey...i've known for a while...well, at least had an inkling that there was something tehre, but i acted like it wasn't. man, i just give up. this is all so fucking stupid...
part of me just wants to enter a coma...part of me has...i just don't really know what to think. i really want to be mad...to be pissed off, to go break something and just let out my anger...but there's no anger to let out. part of me wants to be heartbroken...to just break down in tears...but there's no emotion even that strong there. instead it's just apathy, and disappointment.
honey and ryan...they always were goofing off like she was cheating on me...but it was always a joke. at least i thought it was...but inside i had a feeling that there was somethign else there. so yeah...how should i react...
let them date each other...at this point i just don't care. it's happened before, so why not again. history is doomed to repeat itself, is it not? and if history is going to do nothing but repeat itself, what's the point of trying?
i'm not sure what hurts more...ryan or honey. honey "cheating" on me...i could almost understand, and could almost definately forgive and forget...
but ryan...that's just not right. you don't do that to a friend. as much as i hate to admit that i look up to anyone, i'll admit that i looked up to him. he was probably close to my best friend...but how the fuck am i supposed to react now.
and this all happened cause i was at a fucking conference...not that i shouldn't have gone...no, more like this shows how the devil works. cause right now i feel like he's got me in his sights, and has pulled the fucking trigger. but while i know this isn't the end...i know that not ALL women can be this way...it still hurts. like i managed to move out of the way a bit, but still got grazed by the "flaming arrow".
what the fuck...that's all i can say.
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| Tuesday, February 18th, 2003
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11:03 pm - hmmm....
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time for a life update...
so here i am, update for valentine's day weekend. friday was v-day...so i took my car to get fixed, and was then planning to head to WVU w/ honey to pick up sarah and marshall, and then head back. thought the car thing would be a couple hour thing, and maybe a few hundred, at most. turns out my car needs a new gasket cause it's leaking coolant into the oil. i'm first quoted a 2700 dollar repair price, go down the street to find other estimates...in the end i can either spend 1500 or so to get the gasket replaced, or 2100 or so to get a whole new engine. so yeah, i'm stuck using the taurus until i get my car fixed...and i can only use the taurus for school/work. so anyway, after the fiasco w/ my car, honey and i head off to wvu. long drive...i did more learning to drive stick, only stalled like 3 times, which isn't bad. my big mistake was shifting from 5 to 2nd when i meant to hit 4th...only did that twice though...then i caught on.
so we get to WVU...drive all over town trying to find marshall...find him, and then get ready to head back. marshall's a nice guy...but too much of an otaku...you know, the kind of person who likes j-pop, even though they don't know what they're saying, the kind who likes anime because it's japanese, not cause it's interesting. so yeah...
anyways, we get home, and mom and dad call adn say i have to come straight home cause of the incoming weather, which i do, like a good little boy. the next day, we have a nice big snowstorm. but not too too bad, so i manage to get into work, albeit an hour late. target's swamped...day ends, i come home, nothing exciting. then i end up going out w/ buddy/dodd to hang for a bit. we go see dare-devil...(cool movie) then head back to buddies. we decide that we're all rpg deprived, so we convince dodd to run a quick game of vampire. we all make vamps, kill stuff till like 6am, then i fall asleep, and dodd/chris (another guy who came over) head home. wake up the next morning, and buddy and i try to move his truck so i can get home. yeah, that wasn't gonna happen. so we stay and watch the daytona 500 w/ his fam...was fun. spend the day w/ them, have a great time, it was like a huge sleep over. finally get home monday morning.
shovel driveway/walkway, watch morons get stuck in front of my house, repeatedly. go to sleep. wake up the next day (today) and do nothing.
so yeah, that was my weekend. now onto deep thoughts.
i was talking w/ my dad the other day, and he was commenting on how when he was my age, there was like 1 girl he'd dated, and that was a kind of off and on relationship. but that was it, where as i've dated erin, kristen, joy, and now honey. yet for some reason i still have this mindset of "women don't like me". he was like "you break up w/ them...". i almost wanted to say "well...not w/ honey", but decided i'd leave that alone. so yeah...just interesting how the way you view yourself when your young continues to affect you for a long time. so yeah...
i also find it intersting that kristen and i broke up 2 yrs ago, and we're both still giving each other stuff back. i'm getting cds back, and she said i still have a ring of hers (no idea where that is). that's just strange to me.
in other news...d&d is being moved to weds...which means some people won't be able to make it...dunno what'll happen w/ that.
anyway, that's the update on my life...still searching for soemthing to have enthusiasm about...so far, no luck.
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| Thursday, January 16th, 2003
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12:27 am - grrr
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well, i only really post when i'm pissed off, confused, or depressed. so here i am to yet again post. this time i'm a bit of each. the whole honey thing has me really confused. haven't really gotten to talk to her since new years. she said what i did was stupid, and yes, i agree. but it seems almost as if she doesn't want to "make things better". like, she wants to stay mad. she's over in europe, and keeps posting about how much fun she's having, and how much she misses cat/kevin/adam. but no mention of me. i don't want to sound like the overly-possesive b/f, but to be honest, it'd be nice to know that i was missed. but instead, i've gotten next to no mention. wait, i take that back, she said she was confused by me once, that and that she's never going to "do something" for anyone again. and before you go and think all dirty, she meant as in go to a party she didn't want to go to. she also wrote that if i want to see her i can go to her house. how is that supposed to be interpreted? i mean, that comes off an awful lot like "i don't want to put effort into seeing you, aka i don't WANT to see you". and yeah, that hurts. so all this is coming off more and more like i'm the only one who cares, and my resolve not to just give up is quickly disappearing. so yeah, that's my rant at life and everything. more then likely i'll be posting again later.
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| Tuesday, December 24th, 2002
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1:06 am - bah humbug
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well, it's the night before christmas eve (well, technically, it's christmas eve). and boy, today was fun, but it sucked a bunch too. started w/ dodd and i going christmas shopping, which was ok, hope my parents like what i got them. then him buddy and i went to bennigans for lunch...good food, and good fun. then went home, called honey, and found out she was in town. however, she was going to go hang out w/ ryan, so i went out w/ buddy and dodd to see two towers again (it was pretty good the 2nd time, but i don't think i liked it as much cause of my mood). then we all went to play pool, had some fun, and then headed home. all in all, it was a fun day...but eh, i'm sick of stuff. i'm not even sure what it is, i just know i'm angry right now, and i'm not sure why....ok, i am sure why. i just don't know if i should be as upset as i am, but oh well. so yeah, it's christmas eve, and it shall be started off w/ a bah humbug, life sucks
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| Wednesday, November 20th, 2002
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12:12 am - life is a waste
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bah, here comes the essential down time in my life. no idea why, just been feelin like life is all worthless recently. gettin to the point where i just want to hide away some where and never come out. life has no direction, and when life has no direction, there's no purpose, i'm just taking up space at this point...i'm a waste of flesh. i hate feeling this way, primarily because it sounds identical to the bull-shit whining i hear/read from leigh/rei/a host of people...people who i tell to get over it and just make themselves better. which is exactly what i'm telling myself...that i just need to make myself happier.
but it's not about happiness. i'm happy, i have friends, i have family, all of whom care about me, and are great people. it's more of a matter of i feel inadequate. my family does a ton for me, even though they piss me off at times, and i do nothing in return. i try to help out around the house, but even that doesn't compare to what they do. the same to my friends, they're all great friends, yet i feel like all i am is a leech, i try to be a good friend, but i don't think i'm as good a friend as i should be. this is just bullshit whining, i know, but oh well, that's what a journal is for, right?
the semester is almost over, and i'm looking forward to a long boring vacation. i'm thinking maybe i'll get a 2nd job at Giant, and work full time at Target and part time at Giant...make good money, be able to avoid everything. why am i feeling this way? it's driving me crazy. there's no good reason to think like this.
i'm sick of me not knowing what others think...but more then that, i'm sick of me caring what others think. why does it matter? i know what my real freidns think, and that's all that should matter.
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| Friday, November 15th, 2002
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12:36 am - Damn otaku
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found this on "the best site ever"-
http://maddox.xmission.com/anime_nerd.html
i hate people like this...they make anime have a bad name:0
The "I wish I was Japanese" anime nerd:
Everyone knows someone like this. They refer to themselves as "otaku" and they embrace everything Japanese, not necessarily because it's something unique or interesting, but because it's Japanese. They wear clothing with Japanese or Chinese characters on it that translate to english phrases like "good will" or "long life." They wouldn't be able to get away with wearing a shirt that said "long life" in english because it would just look stupid, but as soon as it's translated into kanji it suddenly becomes cool and mysterious? Please. Since they'll sooner die than admit that their fascination with everything Japanese is a sham, you'll occasionally sense how uneasy they become when confronted with something Japanese that's so lame and obviously for little girls that they almost start to back off from the mountain of stupid they've climbed up on. Almost.
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| Wednesday, November 13th, 2002
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11:29 pm - definately not what i expected
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Charles, your unconscious mind is driven most by Love
Everyone has a desire to love. But your desire is rooted very deeply in your unconscious and affects many of the decisions you make in life — whether you are aware of it or not.
You have an energy about you that inspires people to experience their true feelings of love and act kindly towards others. In this way, you and your drive for loving relationships start a chain reaction of positive experiences.
The reason you are driven by love, may be because your unconscious is trying to avoid the opposite of love — hate. You, more than others, may be afraid of experiencing severe discord with others. That may, in turn, heavily influence your choices about relationships and the way you communicate your ideas, wants, and desires to others.
With such a strong orientation towards loving others, your relationships hold a very special place in your life. Your capacity to love may be greater than those around you, and therefore you may have more to give in relationships than your romantic partner does. Remember that this is a gift you have and one most others don't possess.
Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Love, there is much more to who you are at your core.
go here for your results:
http://www.emode.com/tests/inkblot/
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